As I am currently assisting with a new student orientation at a university, I just happened to see a trend that is quite disconcerting. Whereas in the past an eighteen or nineteen year old made some of their own decisions, many more parents seem to be taking control of their young student's life.
For instance, I received a phone call the other day from a concerned parent in regards to their student. The parent was asking a lot of questions about what their child would need to bring. But once I explained that the student would be housed with another student of the same gender, the parent immediately had a conniption fit. The dialog went something like this:
Parent: "My child can't room with another student! They haven't met before!"
Me: "Well, yes, but it's actually a good way for your student to meet some new friends before coming back in the fall."
Parent: "But my child has allergies and has to bring air purifiers with them!"
Me: That shouldn't be a problem, and if so, I know Residential Life will be more than willing to help your student find someone else to room with."
Parent:"What if they're unsavory kids? You know, like potheads?"
Me: "Um, I think if your student is roomed with a 'pothead,' they can request another room change. And that would be an unfortunate case of events.
Parent: "But what if they like the pothead? I can't have that happen!"
I kid you not, this conversation happened.
I understand that a parent is going to want to protect their child, particularly when their child is about to live off on their own. But a parent shouldn't make life decisions for their teen entering the real world. Their children are able to go off to Iraq and Afghanistan as soldiers, and many of their peers have done such things. However, if they are able to influence their lives so strongly, then parents should have been able to affect the realm of fashion and stopped the droopy pants look. I mean seriously, I don't need to see your kid's boxers.
What's more concerning to me is the fact that many of these kids are accepting of their parents' iron grip on their lives. I have witnessed many students asking their parents for their personal student information. I have had many parents sign their students up for an orientation session. Many of these students do not understand that one day, they will not be able to ask their parents for help, particularly in the real world. And many parents, out of acts of love, are potentially setting their children up for a much harsher entry into the real world.
I'll be honest, I had a lot of help from my parents. But I also had a lot more expected of me. I did have chores, and I did help out with the family business. Also, I didn't have a set allowance, I worked for my Mom's business, and I got spending money that way. I cooked my own dinner when I was 15, I was able to learn an important life skill: time management. But my independence wasn't earned overnight. I was slowly weaned into it, and now, I can safely say that I am self-sufficient.
My fear for these students is that they will learn independence haphazardly, and will not learn as much compared to if they had slowly received it. I guess this is what I'm asking of both parties:
Kids, I'm happy you respect your parents and that you have great relationships with them. But you also have to voice your own opinion. Yes, there's a risk Mom and Dad won't like it, but guess what? It's your life. You don't want them to tell you what classes your taking, or what major you're supposed to be. Live your life how you want to live it. Just be logical about it.
Mom and Dad, I totally understand that you don't want your kids to fail. I understand that you want to protect them. You want them to grow up to be successful, meaningful members of society. But the only way your children can grow is if they have experienced some sort of failure before going to school on their own. And no, I'm not saying that being rejected at the prom counts. They can only succeed if they have felt some sort of failure before. If they go into college expecting the best but receiving the worst, it will be worse than what many of them can bear. It's not a good leg to start out on.
Kids, ask your parents for more freedom beofre you come to school. And Parents, it's ok to be afraid. But you were once in their age, and you were able to raise them. Trust me. If given the right tools at the right time, they'll be successful.
And don't worry Mom and Dad. If you let go, they'll always come home. Not just for the hugs, but for the free laundry.
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